This is what I came up with – so far… Let me know what you think – build and add, use the bits that suit, even if only one element applies to you and what you can do more of… Go out and ENGAGE with the world, this planet is truly a far richer and more beautiful place with you in it, so participate….

What does it mean to ENGAGE?

For me the 1st E of ENGAGE relates to Experience. What is experience what does it mean to have and create experiences? Experience is everything and nothing; it is that connection with a bigger, broader whole. Recognising we are part of a wider solar system, a beautifully spun web of life intertwining people, nature and art, history and science. We fear and enjoy our weather systems, take for granted huge breakthroughs such as the discovery of fire. We play within and observe our forests and oceans. We acknowledge famine and wealth and comment on politics and trivia. We make war and peace, navigating climate and creating culture. We profit and gain from economic shifts, regret and celebrate personal failures and successes. We reminisce the past and envision future goals and dreams. We encounter illness and death and we marvel at new birth. Experience provides evidence that we exist, letting us know we are alive. How many new experiences will you have this year, how will you seek out new experiences and really register them?

The N is ENGAGE, for me, links to the above and is about Noticing. If we truly are here (and not characters from the Matrix film or some other sci fi imagining), making the most of our experience requires us to attend to our senses. We can do this by placing energy on noticing things as they occur and reflecting upon them. Registering consciously our context; being aware of our actions, thoughts and feelings. How are we behaving? What are we feeling? Are we really involving ourselves and fully connecting? Are we using our senses to identify what’s going on within ourselves and others? Are we really being present (see my previous blog)? Are we watching, really looking, pausing to observe? Are we listening, truly listening and hearing? What are we not noticing? What else might be going on? What does that which we are noticing, or not noticing, tell us about ourselves and others? This requires the “child-like curiosity” many people will have experienced my passion for.

For me the G in ENGAGE relates to Getting Involved. This is about grasping life, making choices, getting out there, taking an interest and following this up by adopting an active role. Introducing difference is important here and seizing opportunities. Have you ever had one of those months with lots of sameness in it? A month where you look back over it and you can’t remember – “Was that Tuesday or was that a week last Thursday, or three weeks ago?” Time distorts…. and time is truly limited, so are you making the most of it? Each of the characters that are part of our communities, make our community (and that includes you). Share your gifts and add to the colour of life. Create new memories, get involved. Bill Hicks (my favourite comedian) used to say “life is just a ride”. And so if this is your playground how much fun are you having? How often do you play? How regularly do you noticing simplicity within complexity, or take a new interest in an idea you might previously have discarded – looking with fresh eyes (which links to the point above), expressing wonder and awe at the little things. When did you last laugh so hard your belly hurt? Laughter is medicine for the soul and we each have the power to create it, gift it and enjoy it.

The A in ENGAGE is all about Appreciation. Saying “thank you”. Looking somebody in the eye and letting them know they’ve done a great job. Telling people “this is the difference that you have made.” Recognising successes in ourselves and looking for what went well rather than dwelling solely on what did not”. Demonstrating gratitude for the things we take for granted. These are pillars of motivation, self-esteem and growth of mind and body (which leads us on to the next point).

The second G in ENGAGE bring us to Growth. For me this is about continual learning, being happy and comfortable to say… “I don’t know the answer to that” or “the next time I will do that even better”. Asking what have I learned? What will I do with what I have learned? How will what I learned make a difference in the future? Embracing every situation as an opportunity for growth and purposefully setting our intention to learn something new every day. Reflecting at the end of each day to qualify how will today’s learning help me fulfil my potential? This is a great way of remaining outcome focused. In NLP we have a principle “All failure can be interpreted as feedback” by reframing those less than perfect experiences or times we might describe as “not our finest of hours”, we can make incremental positive shifts.

And finally, the second E in ENGAGE for me relates to Everything in Moderation. Balancing action with reflection, by demonstrating tenacity and drive yet also taking time out to meditate and contemplate. Attending to both talking and listening to demonstrate respect for others and ourselves. Developing strength whilst also cultivating flexibility and adopting a healthy lifestyle with a reasonable work life balance. Eating sensibly and exercising, yet also indulging in the occasional treat (Dr Michael Mosely’s Fast Diet 5:2 approach is a great example of this – see www.thefastdiet.com also Twitter @5_2Cornwall). Nurturing our minds and bodies (we each only have one of each!).

So those are my thoughts on how I would like to ENGAGE with 2013.  I hope you have found this a useful read; feel free to share your thoughts.

For the ex- retail store manager in me – it is a time to observe shoppers (and I include myself within this) at their best and worst. At best levels of positivity and service are enhanced and the spirit of the season brings with it humour, excitement and curiosity as children watch the towns and villages come alive with glistening lights and baubles gasping in awe as reindeer, elves and fairies parade the streets.  At worst patience is lost and cross words spoken as last minute gifts are frantically purchased with some less than delightful behaviour exhibited and disproportionately unresourceful responses obtained. General manners and social etiquette can go out the window with the season of “good will” being left on the back burner in the dash to find “the perfect gift”.

For the home maker in me – in the household it can be an amazing time of fun and connection, where friends and extended families bake together, make crafts and play board games. Talking and laughter can replace television and computer games, with shared memories being created for future years. Do you remember the year grandpa lost his dentures chewing on a toffee? Yet on the flip side in the household nerves can become frayed and our patience with family members can fade as we notice their irritating habits and fail to recognise their gifts (and I don’t mean Christmas presents). Pressure is placed on ourselves to make “everything just right”.

So it could be useful this holiday to remember that in social interactions “equal and opposite” is not automatically the only approach to a world of cause and effect. We have options about how exactly we respond to situations and people (and no response is in itself an option).

It could be freeing to reconnect with the fact that whatever we experience minute to minute we each have this amazing gift of choice in how we interpret what we are experiencing. We each have the capability to control the way that we manage ourselves, our internal thoughts and our behaviour towards others.

We can benefit from pausing and reflecting on the year that has past and being grateful for all the moments of learning gained from moments of bad news and good, sadness and joy.

It can be reassuring to notice that the most important present we receive and can offer is “the present” (this present moment in time). Giving ourselves and each other the gift of time and enjoying a moment of “being truly present” rather than hoping for what might be, or regretting what never was, is perhaps “the perfect gift”.

So my promise to myself and those around me this holiday is to share time being present with you. My intention is for things to be “just right”, whatever that means to you and to make each interaction positive, whether that is a passing warm hello to the postman, or a big hug to a much loved older sister. I will question my levels of respect towards others (and myself) and offer curiosity in the place of judgement.

This blog is for each of the people I have spent time with over the past year. You have been special in your own way. Thank you for making my 2012 with its ups and downs “just right”, because within and through your presence, you have truly contributed. Greetings of the Season to you all.

This is a story I often refer to and many of the leaders and teams I work with will have heard me unapologetically ask…”Are you being a Chimp?”

Since often the old stories are the best and in case you haven’t heard it…

5 chimps were locked in a cage and bananas were hung from the roof bars (under which there was a strategically placed ladder). Immediately, one chimp raced towards the ladder intending to climb it. As soon as he began to climb the “scientist / researcher” rather meanly sprayed this chimp and the other four chimps with ice-cold water.

When a second chimp was about to climb the ladder, the researcher again sprayed all five chimps with ice-cold water. A third chimp thought he might have more luck, but this third climber received the same treatment. If the fourth and fifth were persistent (or foolish) they would receive the same response from the researcher. Eventually they learned their lesson: there was to be no ladder climbing – banana or no banana.

Next the researcher decided to replace one chimp with a new one. As can be expected, the new guy spotted the banana and (no doubt thinking “Why don’t these fools go and get it?”) he started climbing the ladder. Then it got interesting: the other four chimps, familiar with the cold-water treatment, ran towards the new guy – and beat him up. The new guy, blissfully unaware of the cold-water history, got the message: no climbing up the ladder in this cage – banana or no banana.

When the researcher replaced a second chimp with another new one, the events repeated themselves – the new chimp ran towards the ladder; other chimps beat him up; new chimp did not attempt to climb again – with one notable detail: the first new chimp, who had never received the cold-water treatment himself (and didn’t even know anything about it), with equal vigour and enthusiasm, joined in the beating of the new guy on the block.

When the researcher replaced a third chimp, the same thing happened; likewise for the fourth until, eventually, all the chimps had been replaced and none of the ones in the cage had any experience or knowledge of the cold-water treatment.

Then, a new chimp was introduced into the cage. It ran towards the ladder only to get beaten up by the others. Yet, this chimp turned around and asked “Why do you beat me up when I try to get the banana?” The other chimps stopped, looked at each other slightly puzzled and, finally, shrugged their shoulders: “Don’t know. But that’s the way we do things around here”…

So What?

The next time you think to yourself (or the new guy, your customer or any of your stakeholders asks) “Why are we doing things this way?”… You may like to consider “Are we being chimps?”

Many public and private sector organisations get into set ways of doing things – historical patterns and routines. Some of these are, of course, relevant and indeed best practices are essential for many operational processes. It is when these best practices are not reviewed, or when the way we are carrying out our roles has simply been “the way others did things” (and thus never were “best” practice), that we are in danger of becoming chimps.

Developing a team’s openness to change is an essential role for the Leader of today. The approaches that have always worked do not necessarily work in the current climate. The ability to demonstrate the flexibility to question, challenge and evolve were never more relevant than they are today. Darwin said “It is not the strongest of the species, nor the most intelligent that survive, it is those most adaptable to change”… Wise words!

A few weeks ago, a friend’s band played a concert on the beach in Newquay. It was a stunning evening and an amazing setting with the sun setting behind us as they played a range of familiar songs old and new. As I looked around at the crowd, I noticed a pattern that has been emerging more and more within social gatherings of late. Hundreds of people were standing with their arms in the air watching the show through their smart-phone screens as they recorded the evening’s events for later viewing. This got me thinking…

How present are they being? Are they so intent on capturing the show that they are missing it?

I can’t say for sure if they were indeed missing it, because of course we all experience the world in our own way. I can talk only from my own previous experiences and make my own comparisons.

Being present.

I was reminded of the benefit of being truly present in the moment when I forgot my phone one day. I was fortunate enough to go on a short coastline walk in the far west of the county with a friend and it was an area I had never explored within Cornwall. It was a glorious day and the sky had not one cloud in it. As we ambled we noticed the texture of the ground beneath our feet, and the colours, shapes and intricacy of a vast range of wildflowers. So many different butterflies were dancing around the air and I had not seen such varieties since childhood. The fields were sown with crops mimicking individual tapestries and together the countryside resembled the most wonderful patchwork of greens, beiges and browns. The remote landscape provided a background silence I have seldom experienced, where birds, breeze and the sea could be crisply defined. As our walk progressed we approached the coastline and were greeted with breath-taking white and golden sand and the most vibrantly turquoise of seas I have ever seen. The sun on the sea looked like a million stars sparkling on the surface of the water as far as the horizon, a truly mesmerising sight. Through the shallows the rocks were smooth, appearing tactile as though they were carefully moulded balls of clay which had been left behind by a mythical giant. We paused to watch a family of three seals relaxing and enjoying the sunny day, the transparency of the water allowing us to observe their silky coats shining as they dived, twisted and turned in the peace of a secluded bay. The heathers were a striking purple and yellow and as the bees busily worked away the flowers provided the smell of honey. The rocks on the cliff side were coated with lichen which ranged from dark red to burnt umber to jade and it was hard to believe these vivid colours could be found in nature. We exited the calm tranquility of this idyllic space through a camomile scented field and rounded the corner to see the stark contrast of nature against the plastic, built up and commercialised Lands End site.

So what is my point?

This is a walk I have been on several times in my mind since that day and it is one that I can recall with such intensity that to create any picture associated with it provides a range of positive emotions. I did not need a camera (though at the time there were moments I wished I had been in possession of one). I genuinely believe that my lack of attention on “recording the moment” allowed me to “record the moment”, meaning that the memory of this experience is anchored for me as one I can draw on time and time again when I am looking for peace, creativity, a sense of awe, inspiration etc.

In NLP we refer to positive memories that evoke great states as “resourceful anchors”. Simply by remembering (in whatever way suits us), we can bring the thoughts and feeling we had at the time into the present moment. Conversely distancing and dissociating ourselves from our memories and experiences reduces the emotional connection to them. Techniques involving placing images of less than positive experiences on imaginary screens and making the images smaller, grainier and further away are examples of approaches which reduce our connection with a memory. It is ironic then that we choose to place a four inch smart-phone screen between ourselves and some of our greatest experiences. Even at the closing ceremony of the Olympics so many people appeared to be “recording” their experience on their phones, I really hope they did not spend the entire evening arm in air watching their phones.

I spoke to a friend recently about this phenomena and he mentioned that on a previous group holiday he had noticed one friend in particular was taking photos of everything she saw, wherever they went and whatever they did photos would come first. For fun he began a secret project – taking photos of her taking photos of things. For her this might have been a really valid way of enjoying her holiday, for him however the secret project lasted less than a day, he got bored and decided to just fully immerse himself in his holiday and enjoy being in the moment.

I guess it is all about balance…

I certainly do not think that photos and video are redundant”. Far from it, they provide an avenue to easily sharing part of our experiences with others, across generations and to remember forgotten moments. In addition occasionally a perfect photograph will present itself for example a situation that just HAS to be captured on film.

Some photos in themselves are anchors, for anybody of my generation 35y – 45y think back to how holiday snaps used to be. We were limited to 24 or 36 frames in a film and would therefore be selective with our picture taking. Rather than reviewing our results on a screen and deciding an immediate re-shoot was in order because somebody blinked or their hair did not look right, we would not even know how our pictures would come out until a week or two later. This created a great opportunity to reconnect with our experiences once we arrived home and looked through our prints. For me digital photography still does this to some extent, yet it seems to require a longer time lag or reviewing pictures we have forgotten we took (this may just be me).

Historically the biggest difference with film and print would be that our photos would simply be captured moments and snapshots in time rather than the photographic shoot being a whole experience in itself. Happily this is an ethos we can carry across to digital photography and video! Photos and video do have their purpose, they are great to CAPTURE the experience, they are not THE EXPERIENCE… How many brides and grooms for example say that their best wedding photos are those that were taken ad hoc by guests, capturing real moments rather than posed ones?

So this blog is a reminder… When things are great, ensure that you take time to really notice and remain in the moment. The next time you are about to get out your smart-phone to record an event… first take time to soak up what is happening in the here and now. Take a photo or video only if an image or situation emerges that you feel calls for it, but consider this question… How is “recording the experience” impacting upon you fully living and breathing it? Otherwise you might just miss it.

And a final point to note – time distortion is an additional benefit to engaging with positive experiences in the here and now – the walk I mentioned at the start of this blog was only 90 minutes long, yet the richness of the experience seemed so much longer and will last my lifetime. We race around and fail to notice beauty. An important moment to be present may only last 5 minutes, but it might be five minutes worth truly investing your attention in and engaging with.

When I collected him, I was taught how to administer insulin injections and advised “he is very feisty”, the nurses had been having particular trouble taking blood samples.  He had been very timid when I had picked him up off the road, so I suspected his mood change was a positive sign of him becoming stronger.

On arrival Sidney was so over-excited to be in a home he snuggled up with me purring loudly for around a minute before turning and sinking his teeth and claws deeply in to my hand and wrist.  I calmly extracted myself from his grip and he then ran to block my exit from the door hissing and snarling.  He repeated this door blocking exercise several times throughout the day.

Having worked at an animal rescue centre a few years ago with an excellent behaviourist Angela Stockdale, I had observed a vast range of  responses in cats, dogs and horses (plus others) and I had noticed how Angela would treat each animal with respect and recognition.  She would reassure them and take responsibility for how her actions might impact upon them.  It is in fact partly my experiences with Angela that eventually led to me training in NLP (even though Angela would not label her approach NLP).

So… back to Sid – I reminded myself of the NLP presupposition ”people (in this case cats) are not the sum of their behaviours”.

I spent the day observing Sid and allowing him to come to me, I managed my energy around him and focused on creating “a safe place to be”.  Where any aggression was shown on his part, I would simply and confidently walk away, sending a message “this is not how we behave around here”.

I took the opportunity to call Angela and it was great to catch up and notice how our connection was still there despite years of absence in conversation.  She had some brilliant observations which once again demonstrated her ability to “meet another in their model of the world”.  She suggested that Sid might not want to be left and gave ideas on how to minimise the stark contrast of having attention one moment and no attention another moment.  The door blocking behaviour was resolved within the first day!  It was great to catch up with Angela and notice how many areas of our work overlapped.

Both our roles rely on sensory acuity, having the ability to watch and listen and respond to others.  We share a belief in the individual and a recognition that we are in a system with any person we communicate with.  We also discussed the idea of working with the information that is available in the here and now, since we all have potential to change and adapt.

Sid is still in half of the house and this weekend we will begin to introduce him to our other cat Henrietta (an 18 year old feral who came from Angela’s rescue centre).  I have been putting myself in Henri’s shoes quite a bit over the last few days and I have some thoughts on how to reassure her, whilst allowing Sid to integrate more fully into our household.  I am aware that I will need to rely on working with the information available at the time in order to support them in building rapport.

So… how is this relevant?

When we build rapport I believe it is essential to be present, attentive and interested in the other person.  Rapport is like a dance where we respond and adapt to one another.  We ask questions such as…

How are we the same?

How are we different?

What is important to you?

What is important to me about that?

Are you with me?

In this sense animals and people have similarities, we share territory space and time, creating our own rules and ideas about one another and our situation.  None of these thoughts and feelings are REAL, they are simply an interpretation, our individual perception of events, which can result in a range of patterns of behaviour.  We may not be able to ask a cat or dog for its core values, yet we can begin to consider what might be important to them as a result of the behaviour we see and thus begin to develop rapport and mutual understanding.

Behaviour and intention are not necessarily the same thing and this is a lesson we can apply to all our communication with animals or people!  If we approach others with respect, recognition, reassurance and a sense of responsibility, we are more likely to make real connections.  Adopting a curious and non critical approach is likely to provide more choices in how we relate with one another.

Our discussions relating to values systems and belief structures will have created greater awareness of how we motivate ourselves and how our thoughts and feelings can either help or limit us.  The great news being that we can build on those that work for us and change those that do not.

One of the most exciting aspects of training NLP (for me) is hearing how others are applying their learning in practice.  We spend significant time looking into systems thinking to recognise that changes we make for ourselves impact upon others.  Using the 4Rs model developed by Reg at “Pegasus NLP” we aim to ensure that all our communication adds choice.

The group were great and the level of discussion was stretching.  We began to experiment with how we experience the world through our senses, developing our rapport skills, questioning our perception and really raising our awareness of the language that we use and how this can both help and limit our thinking.

After some attention on personal values we began to create some goals.  I really look forward to hearing how the group are applying their new NLP Skills.  Here is a picture of our happy explorers!

You can read client testimonials via our LinkedIn link at http://www.linkedin.com/in/lizzilarbalestier

You can also read testimonials via our ANLP web page at http://www.anlp.org/member/lizzie-larbalestier

We will be welcoming client testimonials here too.

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